In my younger days, I made funny faces when I was photographed at family functions. It was nothing serious – a phase. I was 8, not 45 or 50. Was I being rebellious? No. I was being silly.
The problem was one of those ridiculous photos hung on the wall closest to the door of my grandparents’ apartment. Every time I crossed their threshold, I would be greeted with a kiss on my head by my grandma and that stupid picture. It was even framed, which added to the embarrassment.
The picture showed my grandfather, dad, uncle and me. My expression imitated someone eating a bad clam. Everyone else wore their characteristic smiles. It should have been a really great picture. Three generations standing together. Instead, it was two generations and a kid in a corduroy sports coat looking like a clown.
That photo remained on the wall until the very end. By the time it was removed, the frame had yellowed and the image had started to fade.
My image of family then, however, was clear. Prior to becoming an attorney, I believed parents and children, husbands and wives constituted one’s family. Time and experience showed that “family” is truly just a descriptive term referring to the important people in your life. Nothing more. Nothing less.
When you’re setting up your estate planning and long-term care planning, you’re really defining your family. There are no wrong answers. A lifelong friend or close cousin may be the absolute best person to trust with your health and finances. For many of us, children, spouses, siblings, nieces and nephews can fulfill estate planning roles. A special grandchild may be the focal point of one client’s trust, while another client wants to help an ageing aunt.
In other words, there are important people in your life who you want to help and who want to help you.
Cherry picking your favorite people for estate planning tasks is only one part of the equation. Defining one’s family means coming to grips with complicated relationships. You may not be thrilled with how a son or daughter has related to you over the decades. Deciding how to proceed with those relationships requires serious thought. Estate planning sends a clear message: “I value our deep family connection,” or “You have caused me great distress and I am unable to reconcile these feelings.”
Estate planning professionals are not in the judgment business. They want you to feel secure in your decision making and enable positive outcomes when possible.
My own family has changed. Those wonderful people standing around me in that old photo are gone. The people I care about usually have a good idea about how I think of them.
Of course, today, when I take photos with my loved ones, I try to smile normally. Digital cameras can delete a funny face every time.
Alan D. Feller, Esq., is managing partner of The Feller Group, located at 572 Route 6, Suite 103, Mahopac. He can be reached at alandfeller@thefellergroup.com.
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