For me, the holidays redefine and reanimate the important people in my life. I think about all of the loved ones who made life more interesting, and getting together means reliving all of the craziness and telling stories.
Family can drive you crazy, but staying angry is never a good idea. The roads will be bumpy from time to time, but if your traveling companions can put a smile on your face, then nothing is too terrible.
The other day, as the last of the leaves were raked away, I looked at the exposed grass and a memory hit me.
My dad loved his lawn. It was a love affair of the highest order. His mustard yellow Hahn push mower was as important to him as any of Enzo Ferrari’s masterpieces were to the old master. For a person who lacked any mechanical skill, he maintained that mower in perfect condition for over 20 years. He would not let me near it.
Strategic mowing, watering and fertilizer applications formed – to my untrained eye – what appeared to be a healthy green turf. He would drive past his neighbors’ homes with an air of derision and condescension. My dad’s inner Roger Ebert would pop out with a rash of criticisms, as their lawns were not green enough, their grass was too short, the cut was uneven.
I would always poke fun at his lawn obsession. To my dad, that was time well spent.
I did not inherit my dad’s lawn care passion, but his sense of humor remains with me like a prized heirloom. The holidays highlight our emotional legacies and the impact a person makes on their loved ones. Estate planning is a way to secure your financial legacy. Many times, the two legacies merge.
When family members fight, personal disagreements develop a financial component. First comes the anger, then estrangement. Planning decisions are affected, and a once strong family weakens. We see this over and over. From Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day, a year’s worth of heaviness hovers in the air amongst the revelers.
The two legacies can exist without each other, but they work best when they work in tandem.
Fighting destroys estates. It elevates unworthy fiduciaries and delays implementation of a plan. Excluded heirs can throw a monkey wrench into probate proceedings. You don’t like your adult son’s wife? Guess what? The sky is blue. Get over it. Make it work.
Choosing cousin Charlie, who you hardly know to be your trustee and punish your family is not a good idea. If there are serious issues, then fine, let cousin Charlie put on his trustee hat. If not, give your son a hug, call him an idiot for his life choices, then hug him again.
Relationships require understanding, and the holidays are a perfect time to press the reset button on little issues that could become big issues. Talk it out. Eat a gingerbread man. Talk some more.
My dad would drive me bananas. Some of his ideas were really out there. But I knew how to make things right. “You know, Dad … Tony’s lawn looks pretty good this year.”
“What!! How dare you!”
Alan D. Feller, Esq., is managing partner of The Feller Group, located at 572 Route 6, Suite 103, Mahopac. He can be reached at alandfeller@thefellergroup.com.
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