The end of spring and early summer always brings me back to those last days of school and the feelings that accompanied them. Cleaning out my locker and handing back the textbooks signaled the end of another scholastic journey. All of my doodles and caricatures of random teachers were safely in the trash. After the last question was answered on my last final exam of the school year, a fantastic burst of energy would envelop my soul.
This routine would repeat itself year after year, from elementary school through law school. Was it a sense of completion or the anticipation of summer activities? Probably a little of both.
As an adult, different thoughts about school pop up. How much of the material did I retain? Were the lessons themselves important or was it more about learning how to think?
Considering how much time was spent in school, the benefits should seem easy to quantify, but they’re not.
I have been out of school and working longer than my time in school. I may have forgotten all of Genghis Khan’s personality quirks or how to solve a quadratic equation, but I know school’s teachable moments transcended any one lesson plan or pop quiz.
In contrast, elder law practice taught me the same lesson over and over, and this most important lesson learned from years of elder law practice is also important in our individual lives.
The most important lesson is prioritizing the art of communication. We all have loved ones who will need help someday and we want to help them in the best way possible. Illness and death can paralyze a family’s functionality.
Families that communicate well can problem solve and get things done, even under adverse circumstances. Walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting the volatile family member is a recipe for avoidance and failure.
Everyone has a phone in their hands or their pocket. A quick call, text or email with a PDF attachment can answer a question or alleviate a concern. If something someone did bothers you, talk to them. This consistent communication comes in handy in an emergency. When family members have a shorthand – an easy way to talk with each other, things get done: Advance directives can be easily found and shared, or a bill can be paid and a social worker can be addressed.
Watching the change in family communications over the last 25 years has been a revelation. Older generations kept very quiet on money subjects and very outspoken on health issues. Mistrust crept in and many family fights broke out.
Fighting still exists, to no one’s surprise, but even simple texts or an email can memorialize a conversation or a plan that would have otherwise been lost or misheard. The tech tools at our fingertips allow us to set up a video family meeting in seconds. For large families, the ability to see and talk to everyone to make important decisions in an instant is amazingly effective. Our firm uses this technology daily and I see the difference.
A formerly distant and uncoordinated family unit changes character quickly upon the introduction of group communications.
Thinking about communication provides an easy on-ramp to actually communicating. The work we do every day – drafting estate planning documents, preparing Medicaid Applications and setting up probates and administrations requires family cooperation and smooth communication. Removing barriers to communication through technology and habit allows us and our clients to leap over life’s biggest hurdles with plenty of room to spare.
Alan D. Feller, Esq., is managing partner of The Feller Group, located at 625 Route 6, Mahopac. He can be reached at alandfeller@thefellergroup.com.
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